I have been thinking a lot lately about how I encourage the people around me. It has always been a difficult thing for me to express affection verbally to people for different reasons, so it has always been easier for me to be sarcastic and coarse. I know that sarcasm is a huge part of humor in our culture, but for many, it has become the primary form of communication. What I have found for myself is that if I am sarcastic, I am protected and can keep conversations and situations on my terms. If I am vulnerable and caring, I am at huge emotional risk.
Something that is very common now is to jokingly respond negatively when someone succeeds. It is with a wink and a smile, so it is not taken as an insult. Last year Joel and I’s car broke down and we needed a new one. A family at our church decided to give their car to us because they had just gotten a new one. When I found out about it, I called a friend to share the news and her response was, “I hate you! Things like that always happen to you!” What kind of response is that? I also walked into church a while back wearing sweats with my hair pulled up into a pony tail and no make up on. When I came through the door, a friend of mine was standing there. She said, “Uh! How can you be dressed like that and still look pretty? I hate you!”. I never really think about comments like this, (because I am often the one giving them) but the other day I did this to someone and right after, I thought, “What am I doing? What am I saying? Why can’t I just encourage them?” For some of us, it is purely habit. This is how the people around us communicate and we have adapted. But for others of us, it is a self preservation instinct. Sometimes when we see others succeed in something that we want for ourselves, we are envious instead of happy for them. Or sometimes when we recognize something positive in someone’s character, we feel bad about ourselves.
I am not saying that sarcasm is wrong, but I am saying that positive and encouraging speech goes much further. If someone takes the time to look you in the eye and acknowledge something positive about you, it stops you in your tracks. It is like finding a drink if water when you are suffering from thirst. It is because we are all hungry for it. We actually need it and with the popular patterns of communication, it is very hard to find. Some of the most encouraging and vulnerable people I know are my friends Brandon and Rachel Naramore. It is true that they are both very funny people, but when the time comes to be real, they do not hide behind fake insults and jokes. They are not afraid to open their hearts and to say what they are thinking. And if someone experiences a victory, they are the first to rejoice with that person. I have been very challenged by them and am so blessed to be on the receiving end of their goodness. I will never forget some of the encouragements they have given me, but I am probably not going to remember the joke they told at dinner.
Joel and I even have to watch this with our son, Ethan. An entire afternoon will go by where we are being sarcastic and joking and one of us will realize that nothing real or positive has been said. I want Ethan to grow up being comfortable with saying what is in his heart, even if it makes him vulnerable.
For whatever time I have on earth with the people around me, I want to be a source of life. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the saying “What comes up in the bucket is down in the well” but if the only thing that comes out of my mouth is negativity (even if it is joking) then it is safe to say I’ve got a good supply of cynicism and envy. If I wasn’t hiding something or protecting myself, I wouldn’t feel the need to talk that way all of the time. However, if the majority of what I say is positive and optimistic, my words will mean more to people. This is something I have been actively trying to do for the past few months and I will tell you it has largely improved my quality of life. Of course I still joke around but I try to seize opportunities to speak life as they come instead of adapting my humor to it.
In the past, what my words have revealed about me is that relationships scare me and that I had a hard time being happy for those who had what I wanted. I hope that now what my words reveal about me is that I want to love people vulnerably and that I want to give life where I can.
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