Thursday, July 21, 2011

friendship is not a razor blade. friendship is a life raft.

I don't know where this notion that friendships exist to filet you open to provide an opportunity to get healing came from. I've heard this perspective so many times and I have to say it is ridiculous. When I look at the Word of God, friendship is love. It is support. It is encouragement. It is life. Saying that real friendship is "messy" is like saying real friendship is volatile. Not true. Of course, every relationship whether it is familial, romantic or purely social is going to have it's ups and downs. When different personalities and backgrounds mix, you are sure to get some sensitive patches.
But I have seen so many situations in the lives around me and in my own when a friend is untrustworthy, manipulative or controlling and after the bombs go off and everyone is recovering, it is brushed off as "God is just doing something in me" or "God is just doing something in them" or "the enemy is after me". Then you hug and re-enter the destructive cycle you just hopped out of. Sure, God can use anything. But just because God uses something sinful or tragic to teach His people about holiness does not mean that He planned the murder or orchestrated a fatal car wreck.

I think I definitely subscribed to to this line of thinking for a long time. Mostly because I have spent most of my life in very unhealthy, self-seeking friendships. Because of their un-wholeness and mine. What I am realizing, coming out of an incredible season of healing, is that it just isn't true. For the first time, I am engaged in deep relationships with other women that are lifting me up and teaching me to serve. Do I sometimes get annoyed? Absolutely. Do I sometimes get offended? Absolutely. Do I still choose to believe the best about them? ABSOLUTELY. Do I still choose to try to be selfless? ABSOLUTELY. Do I feel safe? ABSOLUTELY. Am I perfect? No. Are they? No. Then when people on the outside look in on relationships like this, the only thing they know to do is to evaluate what it says about them. Even though nothing is being said.

I hope that if you find yourself in a relationship that is
- constantly producing drama
- inflicting emotional injury
- feeding insecurity
- surviving on manipulation
- encouraging negative behavior
that you can start to believe that although it is common, it is not acceptable or spiritually enriching. The easiest way to believe this lie - please hear this - is when it is the one dead flower amidst a colorful bouquet of sweetly smelling flowers like fun, humor, adventure and common ground. The important thing to understand is that this one rotting quality will eventually infect the rest and you will be left bleeding at the end.

Can people change? YES! I DID! When it all boils down, the simple solution is deciding you want to love someone vulnerably and selflessly and that you want not just to live life together, but that you want to live a fruitful life together.



  1. If I didn't already miss you enough! Friendship is a gift from God and having friends like you who have others best interest a heart, are non- competitive, and inspire and encourage. Love you and miss you.

  2. So, I was rambling around the blogosphere and stumbled upon your blog. We were never really acquainted back in the Texas days, but that is where I recognize you from. Anyway -- this post is so refreshing to read. I really fed into that horrific idea of friendship for a really long time. And you're absolutely right -- it's simply not true. God will provide healing along the way, often through others, but the point of friendship is not to have someone cut you open repeatedly in order to expose all your hurts and flaws in the name of healing. Thank God for truth, real healing, and the GRACE of friendship. love this post.