Losing My Grip

So it is no secret that I have been in some what of a euphoric state for almost the past year. Although life has not been perfect, I have found a way to really enjoy it and grow. The past few weeks, however, have knocked me off of my saddle. The whirlwind of traveling for the holidays, events, saying a HARD goodbye to dear friends, passing the stomach flu around, settling into my new job, the endless sea of adoption paperwork and my sister’s unexpected (and a bit scary) delivery have taken the wind out of my sails.

I devoted yesterday to cleaning my house and stocking up on groceries so that I’d feel a little more in control and it helped a little. Then today, I lined up a long to do list on the adoption front and things were looking up as I began to check things off one by one. But then I got some updated info from our adoption agency about changes for the new year and found myself on my rump again. I feel a bit like I am walking through three feet of mud in my sneakers. Yuck.

When we got home tonight, I did the usual. Fed Josiah, put him to bed, loaded the dishwasher, switched the laundry, read with Ethan, tucked him in, did a little work, checked tomorrow’s schedule and plopped down on my bed with brushed teeth and clean pajamas on. I was half-heartedly praying when I said to myself, “Why can’t I get under control?!”. And then it clicked. I AM NOT IN CONTROL. I responded with, “Oh.” and then took a breath.

Christ was the freest human that ever lived yet he lived in complete slavery to the will of the Father. I hope that in the future I can remember to walk in true freedom instead of trying to create my own false sense of stability in the craziness of life.