So, I today I was laughing at myself thinking about when Ethan was two. In many ways, you are still a “new mom” at this point with your first child. I had developed a philosophy about discipline based upon zero experience and was armed with the tenacity and energy it would require to execute my master plan: molding Ethan into an amazing human being. Ethan is now four and looking back, there are things I wish I would have done differently, things that will change once Josiah is at an age where discipline starts. I remember talking to my sister about this issue when Ethan was still just a baby. She has a daughter a year and a half older than Ethan. She gave me the advice that as a parent, you have to learn to pick your battles. I gave a polite, “mmm hmmm” and head nod, thinking I knew better.
For some reason, I had it in my head that we needed to iron out all character issues before the age of five. I was constantly analyzing his motivations behind everything, trying to discover what was going on inside of his heart. One day almost a year ago, I was reading a book with Ethan before bedtime. He said something funny as usual and I laughed and hugged him and told him he was funny and that I loved him. He said, “Mommy, you’re not mad anymore because I am funny.” I didn’t understand what he meant at first, but I thought about the day and it had consisted primarily of conflict. He was being disciplined all day long for different things that were pretty much unrelated and now, at the end of it I realized that I had failed to have any fun with him. I was so concerned about what he was doing wrong that I wasn’t enjoying him.
Mealtime has always been a stress because Ethan has never been a big eater. When I stopped being a dictator at dinner (coupled with some practical strategies like eliminating snacks), Ethan actually started eating more. Once we stopped focusing on the negative, there was no longer a power struggle. I love to sit across the table from him and talk about his day or listen to him make up a story. It is so much better than, “Ethan, take a bite”, “take another one”, “one more!”. The bottom line is that he will eat when he is hungry enough. If he doesn’t want to finish dinner, he can sit and talk with us until we are finished and his plate goes in the fridge. Guess what is for lunch tomorrow? I can go a little out of my way to avoid excessive conflict if it means we have more time to connect. Something else that has been a big deal in the past is him sleeping in our bed. He sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and instead of going back to his bed, he finds his way to the side of my bed where he says in the tiniest, sweetest voice “Mommy, can I snuggle with you?”. I used to always say no. I would think, if I let him sleep in our bed, he will never learn to sleep in his own bed. He will always want to sleep with us. Then one day it clicked while I was about to say no. I thought, “How much longer will he actually want to snuggle with me?” These are precious times and precious memories that he is making. And not just for him, but for me too. When I stopped saying no, I also took other measures to help him make it through the night without a bathroom run. No more drinks an hour before bedtime. Sometimes he still gets up and crawls into bed with us but usually he stays in his own because he just doesn’t wake up.
A couple of years ago, I would have read a blog like this and thought, “That is lazy parenting” but today, I see the wisdom in what my sister told me. I have watched too many parents miss out on enjoying their children because they have been so consumed with discipline. Of course, it is a huge responsibility to shape a person and help them to develop character but these things take time. I don’t have to tackle everything at once. For example, Ethan has discovered how to lie. It is not because he is a conniving brat. It is because he is experimenting. This is what kids do! They experiment with different behaviors because they are becoming the person that they will be when they are forty years old. They are learning what is and is not acceptable. It is what we do with the experimentation and how we react to it that set those things in stone. I am not a child psychologist, but this is what Joel and I have found to be true within our own household. So, this month, we are focusing on truthfulness. I can also see that there are some issues with respect coming up in him, like respect for people’s things or someone’s home. Although I definitely deal with it as it surfaces (it does not go on ignored), I am not on a crusade to make him respectful. Once we have the lying thing under control, we will probably focus on respect more directly. Outside of that, I am not sweating it. I am just trying to delight in him.
What it has really all come down to is teaching Ethan about love. Sure, I can try to instill joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control into my sons, but it all begins and ends with love. If love is the main theme behind everything, it not only simplifies our approach, but deepens it.
To be honest, I would still consider us “strict” parents but I think that a lot has changed. Giving Ethan grace is not going to ruin him. We have a lot of time together to work on these things. We are in this together! It will always be something. I hope that when he is looking back on his childhood, his head is filled with memories of being silly and having fun together as a family, not the numerous nights he was forced to sit at the dining table alone until his plate was clean.
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